So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
