No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I wish there were birth control emojis
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
