please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
