cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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