This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
We talked him into tasing himself.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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