K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
