At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
