$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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