I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
