did you get engaged???
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
