just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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