I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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