I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
