life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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