halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
