I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
