It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
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