omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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