U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
