so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
