I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
