your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
