Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
