I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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