i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
