there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
