Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
