I think i peed on brittanys purse
i may or may not be watching the land before time
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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