Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
