i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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