Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
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