She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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