I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
two words: eviction party
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
you made out with another girl for some wings
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
