I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Holy shit dude........stairs
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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