hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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