Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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