Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
