Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
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