The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
