I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
We got so high we made milksteak
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
