Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
