Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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