New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
