Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
