Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Dick very happy bro
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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