God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
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