Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
