if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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