Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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