im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
