Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Randomize
